Finlandia Vodka

CockTale: I was really in the mood for Greyhounds (vodka & grapefruit) and we were headed to a friend's house for the night and figured I could try just about any vodka because I really haven't found a good go-to vodka - and you can probably tell because vodka has been reviewed on C&R more than any other type of booze to date. Trying Finlandia vodka was just a jerk reaction, actually I saw that they made a grapefruit flavored vodka but it was only 35% instead of 40% and that kinda bugged me that adding the grapefruit flavor would rob you of 5% more alcohol. So I figured I could just try the regular Finlandia instead and add my own grapefruit. My night with Finlandia led me to create a new term - "JAV" or Just Another Vodka. There is gut rot vodka and premium vodka and in the middle everything else is JAV. I won't drink gut rot vodka (see Burnett's Vodka) because you can find a JAV for darn near the same price and there is a good chance you are mixing it with something and it doesn't really matter if you spent $14 on it or $20 on it. To get a premium vodka you need to both spend a lot of money and find the right one. There are plenty of bottles that carry a $30-$40 price tag that are JAVs and there are very few that are so nice that you want to drink them over ice or maybe use in a vodka tonic. My point in all of this is that Finlandia is a JAV, does nothing to separate itself from the pack and does nothing to put it in the gut rot category either. If you are going to mix it, then why not go with Finlandia. - They should use that as their new slogan.....

Review:

Taste: Doesn't have the cheap vodka after taste, goes down smooth and has good smell. I was impressed, but not impressed enough to take it out of the JAV category or to consistently drink it straight. "3"

Price: $17.99 for a fifth. This is a little too high for me, there are plenty of other JAVs that are lower than Finlandia and it doesn't make sense to add the extra buck or two. "2"

Novelty: There isn't really anything to talk about. There is no cool slogan or marketing campaign, the bottle is pretty sleek but doesn't really do anything for me. Nobody is saying, wow you brought Finlandia over to my house, cool! "1.5"
Hangover Factor: I made a pretty good dent in Finlandia and woke up the next morning and was able to coach T-ball by 9:30am, so I guess that is a pretty good endorsement? "4"
Drunk: I'm going with JAV as my word- just another vodka drunk. "2"

I don't want to give the impression that I didn't like Finlandia, I liked it just fine, but in the end there is really nothing that makes it separate itself from the almost endless selection of vodkas at the liquor store. For this JAV, this overall score seems to tell the story perfectly - overall "2.5"

Pearl Pomegranate Vodka

CockTale: After the unanticipated success of Pearl Cucumber Vodka, I ventured back to the liquor store in search of what else the Pearl brand had to offer. Pomegranate looked like an interesting choice, though at first I struggled with what to mix it with, I figured it would be pretty neutral and would go with anything. Unfortunately, the Pearl Pomegranate was a little underwhelming from the start....

Review:
Taste:  Just like the cucumber flavor, pomegranate tastes very fresh but there isn't a lot of flavor here - more like a hint of pomegranate. I was a little let down that there was no smell either, besides mediocre vodka smell. I mixed the pomegranate with some diet sprite and tonic. Even a straight sip of it leaves you in search of the pomegranate taste. This would be a nice vodka to add to other things as a complimentary drink if you just want a little dash of pomegranate flavor in something. This doesn't have standalone appeal to me. "2.5"
Price: $13.99 for a fifth is very decent, not a steal like it was for Pearl Cucumber, but $13.99 for any fifth is worth trying. Since I would use Pearl Pomegranate as more of a compliment, then this price warrants having it in your cabinet. "3.5"
Drunk: I'll use "mediocre" drunk as my describatory word for Pearl Pomegranate. Nothing like some cocktails, Grey's Anatomy and American Idol on a cocktail filled Thursday night. "2.5"
Hangover Factor: Like most other vodka's, not a bad morning after - it didn't prohibit me from the morning workout and that is all you can ask of a Thursday night drinking partner. "3"
Novelty: Pearl Pomegranate has the nice cork cap, I'm a sucker for that. You will probably get a "oooooh" from the ladies when they hear the word pomegranate, but other than those factors you will be a little underwhelmed once you try it out. "3"

Overall, I think Pearl Pomegranate suffers from the hype of it's cousin Pearl Cucumber, in that there was no way pomegranate had a shot to equal the success of cucumber from the beginning. I keep going back to the word underwhelmed, but if cucumber had not existed then underwhelmed wouldn't be an appropriate word. I think a quote from the movie Clueless pretty much sums up how I feel - "You can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" - There you go, Pearl Pomegranate Vodka makes me whelmed. Overall -  "2.9"
 

42 Below Vodka

CockTale: Sorry, I have been spending a lot of time lately with my good friend Ron Rio and have been sorely neglecting the adventure that is discovering new types of alcohol to add to my rotation. It was Saturday night, I had a combo birthday party/family fun night to attend and a liquor store full of possibilities. I settled on 42 Below because I wanted vodka and I didn't want to pay more than $20 for it. I didn't have anyone to impress and figured a new vodka couldn't hurt to try out. Also, when loading my cocktail briefcase this seemed to be a good compliment to the Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka that would be in my arsenal as well for the evening. 42 Below was only notable to me because it is made in New Zealand, and of course when one thinks of vodka they think of New Zealand......

Review:

Taste: Has the bitter cheap vodka after taste, this is a 100% mixer for sure. Decent when mixed, but what vodka isn't. Sorry, low marks here "2"

Price: $19.99 for a fifth. There are so many decent vodkas out there for $13-$15, why would you ever spend the extra $5 for this? It is probably a $5 surcharge to export this from New Zealand. "1.5"

Novelty: The bottle is boring, in fact it couldn't be less boring if it tried. Nobody has ever heard of this vodka so it wouldn't spark any conversation. 42 Below doesn't move the dial. "1.5"

Hangover Factor: I did some serious damage to this bottle, woke up with minimal side effects. "4"
Drunk: In a word, "mediocre" - there were no adventures, no debauchery and it didn't even get me laid. "2"

Overall, 42 Below vodka is pretty forgettable. Next time, I'll save myself $6 and go with some good old Smirnoff. Because Russians know Vodka, people from New Zealand don't know shit. Overall - "2.2"

Svedka Vodka

CockTale: Ever taken an overly inquisitive six year old with you to the liquor store?
You get questions like;
"Hey Dad, isn't this the stuff that pirates drink?" - as he points to the rum section.
"Oh, you like this stuff Dad" - as he points to a bottle of Ron Rio. It just happened to be at his eye level, purely a coincidence I'm sure.
"Dad, is this the store you come to every night to get the stuff for your drinks?" Ok, we might have a problem here.
So I had vodka on my mind, and as you can see - this bottle caught my eye. I consulted my side kick for the trip and he agreed, so Svekda (the #1 vodka of 2033) was my drink of choice for the evening.

Review:

Taste: The first sip of Svedka Vodka had the aftertaste of a cheaper vodka, that sort of sting to your tongue and tingle that the smoother vodkas don't have. Svedka has great mixability, I would definitely recommend it if you plan to go heavy on the mixer, but if you like to taste the vodka in your beverage like a vodka tonic, I wouldn't go with this. "2"

Drunk: I'm going with "clumsy" to describe my drunk, from the moment I started drinking I was dropping things, running into things etc. almost like an insta-drunk feeling that lasted throughout the evening. "3"

Price: $15.95 for a fifth, I don't see any reason to pay that over other mediocre brands of vodka. The extra $2 must be used for their marketing campaign to have that robot tell me it is the #1 vodka of 2033. "2"

Hangover Factor: Minimal. I did some serious damage to the bottle with no residual effects. "4"
Novelty: The bottle is borderline cool, borderline obnoxious - apparently this is a limited edition bottle that induces vertigo. I guess if you brought this to a friends house the bottle would spark a little conversation and the marketing campaign is pretty well known so.... "3"

If Svedka thinks their product is going to be the #1 vodka of 2033, they have quite a bit of work to do between now and then. Overall - "2.8"

Pearl Cucumber Vodka

CockTale: I actually sampled the Pearl Cucumber vodka during our New Years Eve extravaganza. I wouldn’t think the words cucumber and vodka would ever be used in the same sentence, but let me tell you – this is an experience. First of all, there is no smell to this vodka – so all of you functioning alcoholics out there, this is your new go-to drink of choice. The first time I had this vodka, I literally sipped the shot and savored it in my mouth. I had a friend in college that used to gargle with Jose Cuervo in his mouth just to show off (I tried it once and puked), but you could literally do that with cucumber vodka. The only problem with this spirit is that you have no idea what to mix it with, I really think you could just enjoy it on ice.

Review:

Taste: Pearl Cucumber vodka tastes like a cool summer’s evening. I would actually say the smell of the vodka is close to cucumber, but the actual taste is almost more honeydew. This could easily be taken straight, on ice or I mixed it with a little diet Sprite and a lot of ice. Next time I drink it, I might dial it up with a little tonic, lime and mint – almost a fake mojito but with the cucumber base. Pearl Cucumber vodka literally tastes like a mix of cucumber water and honeydew - “5”

Novelty: Nothing special to the bottle itself, they didn’t really do much with it – but then, you remove the wrapper around the top and discover a cork! Yes, this bottle has a frickin’ cork on it. Adds a certain novelty to each time you open the bottle I must say. The other novelty is that this drink is guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies. The guy at the liquor store gave me a “huh, cucumber vodka?” comment when I bought it at 10:30am on a Tuesday, but F him – I’m gonna be a hit with the ladies tonight! Speaking of the liquor store at 10:30am on a Tuesday, if you haven’t ever been in one at that time I recommend you go check it out. Some of the best people watching I have ever seen. Of course, that is probably what the other people said when they saw me buying cucumber vodka at 10:30am on a weekday….. - “4”

Price: $13.95 for a fifth is very reasonable, moderately priced for comparable vodka’s and worth every penny. - “4.5”

Hangover Factor: I have to put Pearl Cucumber Vodka in the “danger zone”. Its smooth taste and drinkability leads to overconsumption very easily. Last night I actually used a shot glass to mix my drinks with because there is no taste to this. If I got a heavy hand and poured myself a stiffy I would never know until the next morning. Had a bit of a headache today, so this rating is based on the danger zone factor alone – “2.5”

Drunk: To characterize Pearl Cucumber Vodka’s drunk, I would go with sustainable. Unlike other booze, you don’t need to switch off this because you get full, or the mixer is too heavy or anything like that. You could easily post up to this bottle all night, mixing it with different partners or taking it down straight.  -“4”

Pearl Cucumber Vodka has earned itself a spot in your liquor cabinet, its versatility and taste make it a little bit of a “ladies” drink, but the idea that a cucumber flavored vodka would be this big of a hit was a big surprise to me. This vodka has earned itself a spot up at the top of the spirits reviewed here at CockTales & Reviews  Overall – “4”

Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka

Cocktale: I know what you are about to say - man card revoked! But just wait, hear me out before you settle on a verdict here. Some friends of ours actually brought this over last weekend and I was ready to start shelling out the man card jokes left and right, but then the bottle was opened, it hit the shot glass made of ice and it took me back to being eight years old at a carnival eating cotton candy, but not drunk of course.....Actually, I could even smell the cotton candy on my fingers all night long. I grabbed this bottle at the liquor store to have in stock. There are two rules for this drink, 1. keep this bottle ice cold when serving, I took that to the extreme and kept the bottle in the snow. 2. you are only allowed to take shots of this, if you mix this vodka with anything, then please turn yourself in to the local man card authorities, don't make them come and find you it will only be more embarassing that way to be a fugitive.

Review:
Taste: I was shocked at how much this tasted like cotton candy, blown away in fact. This bottle is going to be dangerous laying around my house because it is always going to sound like a good idea to take a shot of this. "5"
Price: On sale for $15.95, the other flavors were $17.95 so I was stoked. The bottle basically needs to live in your freezer as a shots only bottle and for that I feel it is fairly priced for what you are getting. "4"
Drunk: I would describe this as "may enduce vomiting". Last weekend when I drank this with friends, I awoke to the sound of my buddy projectile vomiting downstairs. "3"
Hangover Factor: Could range from extreme to slight, any night when I find myself taking shots then I know the hangover factor will be elevated. "2.5"
Novelty: Just do it, bring it to a party and let your buddies give you some crap for five minutes until this knocks their socks off. Or, have your wife bring the bottle in and blame it on her, Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka should be a guest at your next cocktail party. "4"

Suck it up, go into the liquor store and put this bottle in your hands. Maybe even grab a bottle of something manly (like I did) so if the guy behind the register asks, you can say you are buying it for your wife. But if either of you have ever had it before, you both secretly know that it is for you and that you f'ing love it and you can't deny it. So give the proprietor a wink and head home to put this bottle in your freezer. Overall, "3.7"

Ketel One Vodka

CockTale: I decided to ring in the new year with some nice and fancy vodka and decided to go with Ketel One. The commercials of good looking dudes dressed in suits stating "gentlemen, this....is vodka" had me hooked. I'm a sucker for good looking dudes with three day stubble, women draped all over them drinking vodka on ice. This is what I wanted MY new years eve to be like. But instead, my wife and I packed up our three kids and headed to my brother in law's house to get wasted. After popping the top on the Ketel One, I opted to go with one of my favorite drinks, the greyhound (vodka & grapefruit)
Gentlemen, this....is new years in your 30's. Happy new year!

Review:

Taste: I gotta say, I wasn't blown away by Ketel One's smoothness. I have found other higher priced vodkas to be much smoother and better aftertaste. Frankly, I didn't find much of a difference between Ketel One and a bottle of Smirnoff. Rating of "2.5"

Price: $26.50 for a fifth is a little pricey for my range, especially when the taste wasn't vastly superior to other bottles at half the price. "1.5"

Drunk: It was new years, so this is slightly skewed but yeah Ketel One got the job done and mixed well with the grapefruit, plus I was using the high quality simply grapefruit juice so that put it over the top. I would call this a happy drunk for sure. "4"

Hangover Factor: Ouch, going to try and not let how I felt the morning after affect this rating. I think it was more going to bed at 3am than it was the Ketel One and I don't typically have any problems with Vodka so I'll go with a "3"

Novelty: Nice to bring what is considered a "nice" bottle of vodka with me to a new years bash. I think I was paying a little more for the novelty, when I would have been just fine with a regular bottle of vodka. Especially since I wasn't wearing my suit or drinking it straight. "3"

Overall I didn't hate Ketel One vodka, I just found it to be a little underwhelming for the price and how the commercials made it look like elite vodka. Maybe I'll give it a whirl again when me and my friends decide to get suited up and hang out with supermodels all night. Gentlemen, Ketel One earns a......."2.8"