Pearl Cucumber Vodka

CockTale: I actually sampled the Pearl Cucumber vodka during our New Years Eve extravaganza. I wouldn’t think the words cucumber and vodka would ever be used in the same sentence, but let me tell you – this is an experience. First of all, there is no smell to this vodka – so all of you functioning alcoholics out there, this is your new go-to drink of choice. The first time I had this vodka, I literally sipped the shot and savored it in my mouth. I had a friend in college that used to gargle with Jose Cuervo in his mouth just to show off (I tried it once and puked), but you could literally do that with cucumber vodka. The only problem with this spirit is that you have no idea what to mix it with, I really think you could just enjoy it on ice.

Review:

Taste: Pearl Cucumber vodka tastes like a cool summer’s evening. I would actually say the smell of the vodka is close to cucumber, but the actual taste is almost more honeydew. This could easily be taken straight, on ice or I mixed it with a little diet Sprite and a lot of ice. Next time I drink it, I might dial it up with a little tonic, lime and mint – almost a fake mojito but with the cucumber base. Pearl Cucumber vodka literally tastes like a mix of cucumber water and honeydew - “5”

Novelty: Nothing special to the bottle itself, they didn’t really do much with it – but then, you remove the wrapper around the top and discover a cork! Yes, this bottle has a frickin’ cork on it. Adds a certain novelty to each time you open the bottle I must say. The other novelty is that this drink is guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies. The guy at the liquor store gave me a “huh, cucumber vodka?” comment when I bought it at 10:30am on a Tuesday, but F him – I’m gonna be a hit with the ladies tonight! Speaking of the liquor store at 10:30am on a Tuesday, if you haven’t ever been in one at that time I recommend you go check it out. Some of the best people watching I have ever seen. Of course, that is probably what the other people said when they saw me buying cucumber vodka at 10:30am on a weekday….. - “4”

Price: $13.95 for a fifth is very reasonable, moderately priced for comparable vodka’s and worth every penny. - “4.5”

Hangover Factor: I have to put Pearl Cucumber Vodka in the “danger zone”. Its smooth taste and drinkability leads to overconsumption very easily. Last night I actually used a shot glass to mix my drinks with because there is no taste to this. If I got a heavy hand and poured myself a stiffy I would never know until the next morning. Had a bit of a headache today, so this rating is based on the danger zone factor alone – “2.5”

Drunk: To characterize Pearl Cucumber Vodka’s drunk, I would go with sustainable. Unlike other booze, you don’t need to switch off this because you get full, or the mixer is too heavy or anything like that. You could easily post up to this bottle all night, mixing it with different partners or taking it down straight.  -“4”

Pearl Cucumber Vodka has earned itself a spot in your liquor cabinet, its versatility and taste make it a little bit of a “ladies” drink, but the idea that a cucumber flavored vodka would be this big of a hit was a big surprise to me. This vodka has earned itself a spot up at the top of the spirits reviewed here at CockTales & Reviews  Overall – “4”

Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka

Cocktale: I know what you are about to say - man card revoked! But just wait, hear me out before you settle on a verdict here. Some friends of ours actually brought this over last weekend and I was ready to start shelling out the man card jokes left and right, but then the bottle was opened, it hit the shot glass made of ice and it took me back to being eight years old at a carnival eating cotton candy, but not drunk of course.....Actually, I could even smell the cotton candy on my fingers all night long. I grabbed this bottle at the liquor store to have in stock. There are two rules for this drink, 1. keep this bottle ice cold when serving, I took that to the extreme and kept the bottle in the snow. 2. you are only allowed to take shots of this, if you mix this vodka with anything, then please turn yourself in to the local man card authorities, don't make them come and find you it will only be more embarassing that way to be a fugitive.

Review:
Taste: I was shocked at how much this tasted like cotton candy, blown away in fact. This bottle is going to be dangerous laying around my house because it is always going to sound like a good idea to take a shot of this. "5"
Price: On sale for $15.95, the other flavors were $17.95 so I was stoked. The bottle basically needs to live in your freezer as a shots only bottle and for that I feel it is fairly priced for what you are getting. "4"
Drunk: I would describe this as "may enduce vomiting". Last weekend when I drank this with friends, I awoke to the sound of my buddy projectile vomiting downstairs. "3"
Hangover Factor: Could range from extreme to slight, any night when I find myself taking shots then I know the hangover factor will be elevated. "2.5"
Novelty: Just do it, bring it to a party and let your buddies give you some crap for five minutes until this knocks their socks off. Or, have your wife bring the bottle in and blame it on her, Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka should be a guest at your next cocktail party. "4"

Suck it up, go into the liquor store and put this bottle in your hands. Maybe even grab a bottle of something manly (like I did) so if the guy behind the register asks, you can say you are buying it for your wife. But if either of you have ever had it before, you both secretly know that it is for you and that you f'ing love it and you can't deny it. So give the proprietor a wink and head home to put this bottle in your freezer. Overall, "3.7"

Appleton Jamaica Rum

Cocktale: In preparation for snowmageddon 2012 I found myself running low on the most essential element that sustains life in snowy weather, rum. I visited a liquor store outside of my regular stomping grounds and I need to note - this liquor store is actually half liquor, half hardware store. The gentleman next to me was looking for Jack Daniels, and the store didn't carry it. I figured I wouldn't be able to snag one of my go-to rums for this occasion and set my eyes on a familiar name in a different bottle. I have had the more expensive Appleton rums on occasion, I know that they range from around $35 bucks and up depending on the age. This bottle was not that kind of Appleton rum. This bottle had a fancy sticker on it that said $14.95 however, and I was game. The snow lasted for three more days, and so did this bottle, that should be a telling sign of the review to follow.

Review:
Taste:  Appleton Jamaica rum had the smokey barrel flavor that you would expect from a Jamaican rum, but it was almost too powerful. For the bottle and the price, you wouldn't think this is something you would drink straight, but I would recommend that. Mixing this rum with anything would just get overpowered by the smokey flavor. "2"
Drunk: I would call this "sleepy time drunk". The heavy flavor made it hard to put them back one by one and added to slower, sleepy time drinking. "2"
Hangover Factor: Slightly higher than expected, the darker the rum the more hangover is what I find, don't drink this rum all night, mix it up with something else. "3"
Price: $14.95 for a fifth seemed really decent and I would regularly give high marks for that, but in this case you are better off with a $10-$12 bottle and better taste. A little overpriced for the Appleton name. "2.5"
Novelty: If you brought this to a party and people didn't know better, you could probably try to pass this off for a nice rum because the bottle says "special". Just don't bring this to my house, I'll call you out as a cheap little bitch. "2"

If rums were a family, as I have been describing lately with the twin brothers Montego Bay and Ron Rio, then Appleton Jamaica rum is that snooty bitch uncle that claims to have gone to a prestigeous university to his friends and co-workers, roots for the football team as "we" and has an alumni sticker on his car, but he actually only went to community college. Shhh, don't tell anybody. "2.3"

Montego Bay Rum

CockTale: I ran out of my go to rum (Ron Rio) and decided to give his identical twin brother Montego Bay rum a run for this blog. In my experience, Montego Bay is essentially the same as Ron Rio with one exception....whoever establishes liquor prices in the State of Washington will decide to sometimes make Ron Rio a dollar less expensive than Montego Bay, or vice versa from time to time for no real reason. I poured myself a large rum & diet and by the end of the night me and Montego Bay were taking party pics together like a newlywed couple on a carribean cruise......

Review:
Taste: Montego Bay rum is identical to Ron Rio, about as close to perfection as you can get "5"
Price: $25.95 for a half gallon, exactly two dollars more than Ron Rio for no reason, that is going to bring your score down. "4.5"
Hangover Factor: Considering I made a pretty big dent for a Thursday work night, it really wasn't that bad the next morning. "5"
Novelty: Not much of a novelty, but just like Ron Rio, Montego Bay is a welcome guest at any social event because of his size and taste. He can basically host your party by himself. "5"

Drunk: I would go with "jovial" to describe my drunk, the previously mentioned party pics with the bottle and drunk dialing my Mom were quite jovial. "5"

Montego Bay rum comes in second place in the rankings because of the price, there is absolutely no reason to price it more than Ron Rio other than to give it a slightly higher feeling of superiority, which is no way to treat your brother. Overall "4.9"

Lunazul Tequila

CockTale: I was in the mood for some sort of light drink with juice and was toggling back and forth between the tequila and vodka sections when out of nowhere my eyes became fixated on those of a lone black wolf on the second shelf of the tequila section. Looking at me like a one-man wolf pack I decided that the two of us should join forces for the night roaming the desert looking for strippers and cocaine....or maybe just playing words with friends on the couch with my wife, but drinking Lunazul tequila nonetheless! I decided to mix the Lunazul with some guava orange passion juice, cranked up the Duran Duran and got hungry like the wolf.

Review:
Taste: Lunazul has a nice lime aftertaste which would make it the perfect compliment to a classic margarita, it almost tastes infused with lime margarita mix. It paired nicely with the guava and didn't have any of that cheap tequila bite. I could easily do shots of this, on par with Cuervo for sure. "4"
Price: One fifth rings in at $17.95, close to or on par with Cuervo or other mid level tequilas. Seems pricey, but the last thing I want is to ride with cheap tequila, so it is worth the slightly elevated price tag. Also, bonus points for the $7 off coupon tied around the bottle's neck so that bumps up the rating a half point. "4"
Hangover Factor: Pretty mild considering I was on tequila all night, didn't do a number on my stomach but that is probably because I didn't mix it with any other kinds of booze or take shots. "3"

Novelty: Aside from making jokes about wolves, singing hungry like the wolf or doing the speech from The Hangover about a one-man wolf pack, there isn't much novelty - but then you turn the bottle to discover these words. "To the spirit of the wolf - The bluemoon of Lunazul beckons the spirit, independence and smooth elegance of the majestic wolf. Let the smooth taste of Lunazul stir the wolf that lives inside you." If you don't find that to be novel, then get yourself checked. "4"
Drunk: I definitley woke up the wolf that lives inside me, I would go with "spirited" as my word to describle by drunk, let out a couple wolf howels and tied one on pretty good. "4"

At the end of the night I feel like I paid tribute to the spirit, independence and smooth elegance of the majestic wolf, and hopefully so does this overall rating - "3.8"

Ketel One Vodka

CockTale: I decided to ring in the new year with some nice and fancy vodka and decided to go with Ketel One. The commercials of good looking dudes dressed in suits stating "gentlemen, this....is vodka" had me hooked. I'm a sucker for good looking dudes with three day stubble, women draped all over them drinking vodka on ice. This is what I wanted MY new years eve to be like. But instead, my wife and I packed up our three kids and headed to my brother in law's house to get wasted. After popping the top on the Ketel One, I opted to go with one of my favorite drinks, the greyhound (vodka & grapefruit)
Gentlemen, this....is new years in your 30's. Happy new year!

Review:

Taste: I gotta say, I wasn't blown away by Ketel One's smoothness. I have found other higher priced vodkas to be much smoother and better aftertaste. Frankly, I didn't find much of a difference between Ketel One and a bottle of Smirnoff. Rating of "2.5"

Price: $26.50 for a fifth is a little pricey for my range, especially when the taste wasn't vastly superior to other bottles at half the price. "1.5"

Drunk: It was new years, so this is slightly skewed but yeah Ketel One got the job done and mixed well with the grapefruit, plus I was using the high quality simply grapefruit juice so that put it over the top. I would call this a happy drunk for sure. "4"

Hangover Factor: Ouch, going to try and not let how I felt the morning after affect this rating. I think it was more going to bed at 3am than it was the Ketel One and I don't typically have any problems with Vodka so I'll go with a "3"

Novelty: Nice to bring what is considered a "nice" bottle of vodka with me to a new years bash. I think I was paying a little more for the novelty, when I would have been just fine with a regular bottle of vodka. Especially since I wasn't wearing my suit or drinking it straight. "3"

Overall I didn't hate Ketel One vodka, I just found it to be a little underwhelming for the price and how the commercials made it look like elite vodka. Maybe I'll give it a whirl again when me and my friends decide to get suited up and hang out with supermodels all night. Gentlemen, Ketel One earns a......."2.8"