Avery Brewing Company

CockTale: There was a local beer festival by our house over Father's Day weekend, but we were out of town and didn't get to attend. So the following weekend when I had nothing better to do on a Saturday, I drove down to Whole Foods in search of new beers to try and create my own at home beer festival. I've had my eyes on the Avery brewing company for quite some time because that is my son's name, and they make an "Ellie's Brown Ale" which is my daughter's name - and this is too big of a coincidence to let pass without trying the beer. This also spawned my new idea of the CockTales & Reviews Summer Home Beer Festival Series where I will partake in new samplings of beer from one brewing company. I typically like to create my own mix six pack when trying new beers because who wants six beers that don't taste good? Who only wants to try one flavor of beer when a brewing company has three different options? There is great skill and difficulty when creating your own mix six pack at a store and I'll share my secret here. If the beer bottles look the same (same bottle top, same color, etc) then you are fine. If not, then self check out is the only way to go. Every once in a while, some checker at the store will narc you out and make you put the mix six pack back, or you just have to play dumb like I did once with a mix six of Mikes Hard Lemonade. "Oooh, I couldn't tell that one bottle was purple, two were green, one was yellow and two were red, I'm sorry - do you want me to put them back, I don't mind keeping them though....". Anyways, the Summer Home Beer Festival Series starts with Avery Brewing Company - starring

ELLIE'S BROWN ALE                         INDIA PALE ALE (IPA)                       WHITE RASCAL

Review:

Taste: Ellie's Brown Ale is a very light and almost refreshing chocolate brown ale, to match the chocolate brown lab on the bottle. I typically find brown ale's to be heavy and filling, but Ellie's was very good and I wouldn't mind having a whole six pack of it alone - "3.8".

Avery Brewing's IPA is one of the best IPAs I have ever had. I usually steer away from them because I don't enjoy the bitter after taste, but Avery's IPA is very smooth and has a good after taste. - "4.5"

White Rascal tastes like the ass of whatever that white beast is on the bottle. I tried this one last and was already a little dunk from the previous samplings and this little white rascal kept starring at me with his creepy face and red horns. Like most Belgian ales, in my opinion, White Rascal tastes like butt hole. Sorry, that isn't very helpful - just stay away from it and keep it out of your mix six pack. - "1"

Overall taste score (average of the three) = "3.1"

Novelty: It seems like you can find Avery Brewing Company beers at more places these days, I have only seen them at Whole Foods and specialty beer stores, but I think Avery gets some extra credit at C&R because of the naming. I walk around a party drinking a beer with two of my kids names on it is kinda neat. "4"

Price: $8.99 for a six pack, about average for what you are going to pay for a beer that you can't find on every shelf. I found this to be pretty reasonable "3"

Drunk: Robust - all of Avery's beers have pretty high alcohol content and will knock your socks off if you make a night of it. I had to switch to some regular old Bud Light after the sampling was over just to retain my composure. "4"

Hangover Factor: Ouch, one thing I need to remember during the Summer Home Beer Festival Series is to mix in some water in between beers. When you are used to pounding 8-10 Bud Lights and then you make that 8-10 dark and flavorful beers you will notice the difference in the morning for sure. "2.5"

Overall score for Avery Brewing Company = "3.3"

Jeremiah Weed Roadhouse Tea

CockTale: Was wandering through the beer aisle at the grocery store Friday night after work and was pretty thirsty, which usually means that I will opt for something away from beer and this is usually when I experiment with something a little more tasty. After being bombarded by their marketing campaign I figured it was time to give Jeremiah Weed a try. Alcohol infused iced tea sounded delicious, little did I know what lurked beneath the lid of the can.

Review:
Taste: Roadhouse Tea sounded fantastic, I was thirsty and an alcohol infused iced tea sounded like a great way to quench my thirst....I was wrong. At first it tastes like iced tea, but then this funny taste impedes your enjoyment. I couldn't figure it out until halfway through the can, it was cough syrup. Jeremiah Weed Roadhouse Tea tastes like an iced tea flavor of f'ing cough syrup. The aftertaste is even worse. Three quarters of the way through the can I couldn't even look at it anymore, I had to plug my nose just to get it down. Overall score - "1", only because giving it a zero would destroy the foundation for the CockTales & Reviews rating system.
Novelty: The tall boy can is cool, the name is pretty cool. Putting on my camo t-shirt and sitting in the backyard pounding some of these white trash style seems like a cool novelty, then you open the can and regret it, but the idea is cool. - "3"

Price: $2.79 per can seemed a little high when I grabbed it and that was the on sale price. Take down 6 of these puppies and you just spent quite a bit of money, way too high. - "1.5"

Hangover Factor:  I could barely stomach one of these and it made me not want to drink anymore, congratulations Jeremiah, you win. If it was a boxing match between myself and Jeremiah, he jumped into the ring, punched me in the balls and then left. N/A

Drunk:  I pounded that can as fast as I could to get it finished and had a little buzz but in no way was drunk enough for this to register on the rating scale.  N/A

Jeremiah Weed Roadhouse Tea is disgusting, don't drink it and whatever you do, don't pay $2.79 for a can of it. If you want to try it, drive over to my house and take the can I have sitting in my fridge, it's yours. Try not to puke in my house. Overall score "1.8" and even that seems a too high.

Bud Light Lime

CockTale: The temperature outside was supposed to reach 80 for Mother's Day and my wife recently mentioned that she wanted me to pick up Corona Light or Bud Light Lime from the store on a warm day. Since Corona tastes like piss, I opted for the Bud Light Lime (BLL) and got down to my new pastime of Sunday afternoon drinking. Before you start accusing me of breaking the unwritten drinking rules of Sunday, 1st it was Mother's Day and that counts as a special occasion and 2nd it was 80 degrees out in May and that should be deemed a fricken holiday in the Pacific Northwest. Technically I didn't break the rule of "don't fruit the beer" because the lime flavor was already added and I didn't have to put the lime in there.

Review:
Taste:  I was pretty impressed. I expected the lime flavor to taste fake, like the way a cherry coke doesn't really taste like real cherries. But BLL tastes like someone cut a lime and placed in in your beer and it really does something for the bland taste of regular old Bud Light. "4"
Novelty: If anyone would have asked, I would have said I bought this cause my wife said she wanted it. Then if anyone caught me drinking it I would say that since it was so hot outside I figured I would try it. Then when I got to my 5th one I wouldn't really have any excuses left and would have to admit that I liked it. Not good for the novelty factor when you don't want to admit that you bought it for yourself. Just make sure when you drink it that it's really hot outside or you are screwed. "2"
Drunk: Laid back drunk, best enjoyed in a lawn chair - though take it easy, you would have no problem crushing 10 of these on a hot day because of the lime flavor. "3"
Hangover Factor: Dehydration probably played a large factor, never a good idea to slam a bunch of lime flavored beer on a hot day and ignore water, but shit happens. This was actually the pre-hangover hangover when you start feeling it before you even stop drinking, it sucks. "1.5"
Price: $13.99 for a 12 pack is right in the middle of the mediocre beer wheelhouse, just average price. If it were any more expensive, there is no way I would buy it. "2.5"

Bud Light Lime is basically just a novelty to try a couple times. If I were having a BBQ on a sunny day I might grab a 12 pack and mix them in the cooler with some other beers, maybe take BLL as a partner on a day to float the river or something like that. BLL is like a decently hot chick that you bang a couple times just to try it out, but you ain't gonna marry her. On that note, happy Mother's Day. Overall Score - 2.6

Cooks Champagne

CockTale: There are unwritten rules when it comes to drinking on Sundays. You can just post up on your couch with a 12 pack on a Sunday afternoon and get loaded, you either need to drink sparingly or there needs to be a special occasion or event to justify your alcohol consumption on the sabbath. Having a mimosa or three at Easter brunch - fine, having a sixer of Bud and watching the Nascar race - fine, going to the store on Sunday to get a cheap ass bottle of Cooks Champagne to have 2pm bellinis just cause - frowned upon. I decided to ignore the rules of Sunday drinking and grabbed the cheapest bottle of champagne on Earth, Cooks, and get my Sunday afternoon drink on.....just like the baby Jesus intended.

Review:
Taste: Cooks is the Busch light of champagne, it is what it is. It tastes fine, it isn't good and it isn't terrible. If you are mixing it with orange juice or fruit puree then you just want the alcohol and bubbles anyways, what do you care what it tastes like? If you are drinking it straight on a special occasion, then I hate to tell you that you are probably at a white trash wedding or celebrating New Years Eve with my cheap ass. "2"
Novelty: If you bring a bottle of Cooks to a special occasion be prepared to be laughed out of the room or have a good sense of humor about your inability to buy a nice bottle of champagne. "1"
Price: $5.99 for a bottle is dynamite for what you are getting in return. Can you even buy a six pack for under $6 anymore? "4.5"
Hangover Factor: If you down two bottles of Cooks in a night you are going to feel like shit in the morning, sorry there isn't really anything else to say. Cheap champagne hangover is terrible. "1"
Drunk: Cheap ass drunk. "2.5"

Cooks Champagne does it's job, gets you good and loaded for a discounted price and lets you celebrate....nothing, on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Here's a big middle finger to the unwritten Sunday drinking rules. Overall score - 2.2

Monopolowa Gin

CockTale: I'm convinced that walking into a liquor store to select a new bottle is a lot like picking race horses. You find ridiculous reasons to try different types of booze that have no rhyme nor reason to them yet when you walk out with the bottle it seems to make perfect sense at the time. I once won a couple hundred dollars at the race track on a horse named Poker Brad. Now I had recently watched the movie A River Runs Through It which of course stars Brad Pitt, who at the end of the movie ***spoiler alert*** though there should be no such thing on a movie 20yrs old, Brad Pitt's character is killed in what is thought to be a card game gone wrong. So of course I would bet on a 20-1 long shot named Poker Brad. Then what? The jockey is wearing a green shirt with a giant f'ing clover on the back, I love green! I love clovers! Next thing you know, you are dropping money on this horse for no rational reason. I bring this up because that is pretty much the method I have been using when selecting new booze to try out on this blog and exactly what I used yesterday when I selected Monopolowa Gin. I wanted to drink gin and watch the NFL draft last night, so I headed straight for the gin section. First, Monopolowa is apparently made in Vienna, Austria. I just found out my brother is moving there this summer - boom! Then the name Monopolowa, like Monopoly - I love that game - boom! Next thing you know I'm walking out of the store with a bottle of Monopolowa Gin for no good reason.

 

Review:

Taste: I made my first cocktail way too strong, apparently in the Eastern block they don't believe in that little plastic thing that restricts the flow of booze out of the bottle (insert its real name here). But it gave me a great chance to test the flavor of Monopolowa which was quite delightful. It has a little of that burn most usually associated with vodka, so I wouldn't call it very smooth but the taste has nice citrus notes and it was great for gin & juice. "3"

Novelty: Unless your brother is about to move to Austria, I don't think this bottle is very high on the novelty factor, the bottle itself is rather boring and it has weird names written all over it. "1.5"

Hangover Factor: You need to be careful when doing some week night drinking and Monopolowa was right on the edge, I didn't wake up feeling horrible for a Friday but wasn't exactly flying out of bed to work today. "2.5"

Price: $16.95 for a fifth puts us right in the middle of the proper price range for a bottle like this, decently priced for the product you get back in return. "3.5"

Drunk: Monopolowa's above average drinkability leads to a little overindulgence, this was sort of a surprising drunk, like wait a minute - it's 8:30pm on a Thursday and I'm a little plowed, how did this happen? "3"

I liked Monopolowa Gin, if it weren't for some random reasons I probably never would have tried it out and probably have never met another person who has. I guess that is kinda the point of this whole drinking experiment we call CockTales & Reviews. Overall score = 2.7

Mr. Boston Rum - Addendum

When Mr. Boston Rum was reviewed the price section of the review was omitted because it couldn't be confirmed that the price for a half gallon was around $15. Well, Ms. Idaho 2032's mother sent me the proof below:

Yes, that says $15.90 for a half gallon of Mr. Boston's fine product in the great State of Idaho. Unfortunately, we still cannot register this price for a review score because the C&R rating system would explode. But, I will definitely take this into consideration the next time I decide to bootleg alcohol across State lines. Thanks to Ms. Idaho 2032's mom.

Bud Light Platinum Beer

CockTale: My wife was out of town and I was trapped at home watching three children. I took a trip to the store headed down the beer aisle because, well I was out of beer for the beer fridge. Usually I spend about 10-15 minutes meandering back and forth and looking at labels and thinking about if I want to try something new and end up with a half rack of nasty beer in my fridge or if I want to go with a tried and proven good beer. I decided to end up in the middle of that struggle, influenced by the fact that I had kids with me and 10-15 minutes of wandering was not going to happen I grabbed the Bud Light Platinum without any good reason as to why. I kept hearing the Kanye West song in my head that went with the Super Bowl commercial for Bud Light Platinum and I figured if it was good enough for Kanye it was good enough for CockTales & Reviews. After the kids went to sleep, I posted up on the couch with Bud Light Platinum and as I took the picture to the right, I asked it one simple question - "well, what is the big deal with you?" And that is when Bud Light Platinum responded to me - "I'm 6 percent, bitch." That was when I realized that I was already familiar with Bud Light Platinum by it's former name - the Penguin.  

Its true, Bud Light Platinum is just a fancy new way of referring to Bud Ice, beware of the Penguin. This time the Penguin is a little skinnier and doesn't have as much bite, but he is just as dangerous my friends.....

Review:

Taste: Very light and very crisp, I referred to it as Bud Light with taste. "4"

Price: $11.99 for a half rack on sale, regularly $13.99 - either way, this is decently priced and priced the same as Bud Light, Miller or Coors depending what is on sale. "3.5"

Novelty: Right now the novelty on Bud Light Platinum is probably at its highest point, it is relatively new to the market and people want to try it out and time will tell if it is a sustainable brand for Bud. If you bring Bud Light Platinum to a BBQ, there is a good chance that other people will want to try it out, or spark a question about it. "3.5"

Hangover Factor: I had 10 of these and was expecting to feel like I used to after dancing with the Penguin all night, like he shit in my mouth and then left me for dead in bed with a massive headache - but I was greeted with no ill side effects, shocker. "4"

Drunk: Lets go with "watch your step" drunk. With light drinkability, Bud Light but with more taste and then add 6%, you are flirting with the danger zone going with Bud Light Platinum all night. But like Maverick said to Ice Man- "that's right Ice...Man, I am dangerous". "4"

Highway to the danger zone - overall score = "3.8"